


Glass Wall

by xFourLeafCloverx



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Dreamsharing, KuroFai Olympics 2020, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Pining, Prompt: Dreaming Unspeakable Dreams, Team Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:27:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25921303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xFourLeafCloverx/pseuds/xFourLeafCloverx
Summary: Fai and Kurogane meet in dreams and shape each other's lives. They believe the other to be a figment of their imagination, but the proof is out there that they're real. Through trauma and healing, they come closer and closer. This is my story for the 10 Anniversary of the Kurofai Olympics! Team Fluff, Prompt: Dreaming Unspeakable Dreams. Enjoy!
Relationships: Fay D. Fluorite/Kurogane
Comments: 12
Kudos: 29
Collections: 2020 KuroFai Olympics - Fluff vs Angst, Things I Wrote in Quarantine





	1. Part 1

Fourteen

A light place  
Soft and delicate around his sight  
A calm place  
“Where am I?”

A whisper  
Faint and far off  
Behind him  
“Who are you?”

A young boy  
Dark hair and red eyes in an old robe  
The reply  
“I can’t understand you.”

Small wonder  
Hand and gaze towards him  
A glass wall  
“I can’t reach you!”

A longing  
Palm flat against the wall  
Eyes meeting  
“I want…”

Fai peeked his eyes open, the edges of the dream creeping away. The boy’s face stayed vivid in his mind. What was that place? He had been walking on water in a valley of pastels. There had been another boy, but they couldn’t talk with each other. Then there was the glass between them. 

He looked at his hand, still feeling the sturdiness of the wall between them. Fai was no stranger to vivid dreams, but this was different. There was nothing chasing him, nothing to fear. 

He also didn’t feel completely lucid. When he wasn’t having vivid nightmares, Fai was flying through cities swimming through castles. It was rare for him to have anything but nightmares. So, he made sure to enjoy it when it happened.

This dream was neither of those. He couldn’t do what he wanted, but he wasn’t terrified. Fai hadn’t even known he was dreaming. 

He rubbed his thumb across his fingers and sighed. The 14-year-old looked at his clock to see his alarm was about to go off. He would have rather laid back down, but he had school. After turning off the alarm, he flicked on the lights.

He still had a couple hours before the sun rose, a drawback of living in Alaska, but this was his favorite time of year. It beat having to use the blackout curtains during summer.

Fai stretched out and thought once more on his dream. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt the day was going to be a good one.

~~~

What was all that? 

Kurogane flexed his hand, the feeling of the cool glass beginning to fade. He remembered the feeling of liquid on his feet but couldn’t find the source of it. If it was that vivid, then there should have been something really happening, right?

He sighed and flopped back down. It was only a bit past 11 PM and he could hear the TV from his parents’ room. He wanted to get back to sleep, but his mind was already so active. His parents would be mad if he got up for food, but maybe tea would be alright?

Kurogane pulled off the covers and glanced out the window. The cherry trees would be blossoming soon. He thought his mother might like to picnic when they did. She was always ill, but the doctor approved of her being outside in the fresh air.

He snuck passed his parents’ room but found his father already brewing tea, likely for his mother. The smell of lavender and medicine filled the room.

“What are you doing up so late?” he questioned. Kurogane normally slept light, but never got up during the night. 

“Can’t sleep. Is there enough water for me?” Kurogane grazed over the answer. There was no point in talking about a weird dream and worrying his father. The man already looked tired more often than not.

He nodded, soft smile on his lips, “Take a seat, I can make you some.”

“How’s mom?” he sat at their table and waiting to see if his father’s face could give anything away.

“Same as you,” he chuckled, “She can’t sleep either.”

Kurogane hummed his response and put his head down. He didn’t miss the medicine his father put in her cup. It was an herbal blend to quiet her coughs and put her to sleep. It must be a bad night for her to ask for it. Or his father was sneaking it in.

His mother had been sick for a long time. She was plagued with bronchitis and lung infections even before Kurogane was born. She did her best to take care of him, but his father ended up taking care of them both. 

He placed a cup in front of Kurogane, “Drink up and go back to bed. I don’t want to see you wake up late tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah, I know.”

He smiled and took the other two glasses to his room.

Kurogane listened for any odd sounds before deciding everything was okay for now. His mother was battling her disease well but hiding her struggles. It hurt to know how much she cared for him, enough to stifle her own pain. 

He did as he was told and was able to get back to sleep before long. Still, he wondered why the boy in his dream, and everything else about it, felt so real. He almost hoped to see him again.

Fifteen

Fai sat awkwardly on the couch. He had been told to get comfortable, but he would have preferred the chair. A small seat to curl up in was best. He also wanted to look comfortable and most would prefer the couch, right? So, he sat dead center on the couch, feet together flat on the ground.

He was only here after talking nonstop about his dream boy for several months. He’d met with him four times now and they tried their best to talk with each other. The boy was Kurogane, even though Fai only teased him with nicknames, and was his age. He always wore a plain robe and looked grumpy. The last time they met, he had just talked and talked to Fai until he woke up to the sunrise. 

Fai’s apparent mistake was to tell his parents about it. They worried about him believing in an imaginary friend as a teenager, especially considering his childhood. The thing his parents would never talk about. That particular thing he wished they would.

“Thank you for filling out the paperwork. I know it’s a lot but it really helps me get to know you better,” Ashura said kindly.

“And my family?”

“Hm?”

“And my family, right? You asked about their history,” Fai mumbled.

“Yes, but their history is also your history, understand?”

Fai nodded even though he didn’t. His father’s alcoholism and his mother’s mania had nothing to do with him. They were just things his parents had to keep a leash on.

“So, what do you want to talk about?”

“Me?”

“Yes, feel free to talk to me as you want.”

“Don’t you ask questions?”

“No, not unless I want to hear more of your story,” he chuckled, “Talk about what you want to, or not at all. This is your space.”

Fai let himself sink into the couch a bit. The awkward air was still heavy, but at least he wouldn’t have to share his secrets.

“Can I ask questions?”

Ashura nodded, “Of course. What do you want to know?”

“Do you… do you have weird dreams?”

“Sometimes,” Ashura leaned back, “I had a dream my aunt chased me around the house trying to feed me a carrot when I was younger.”

“What?” Fai smiled, “Why didn’t you just eat it?”

Ashura hummed and thought about his answer, “We aren’t ourselves in dreams. We don’t have full control. Options we think about in real life don’t always apply. They don’t make much sense, do they?”

“Maybe… My mom sent me here because of a dream.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No. That doesn’t bother me.”

“Alright.”

Fai looked up, “Alright?”

“Yes, alright. This session is not to help your mother, it’s to help you. What can I do for you?”

Fai went silent. He didn’t want to talk about himself and his secrets. His mom made him come here, so there was no way she wouldn’t know what was said here. 

He flopped on his side and curled up in a tight ball, “Can you tell me a story?”

“What kind of story?”

“A happy one.”

Ashura set down his notepad and smiled, “Have you ever heard of the Man with 20 Faces?”

“No,” Fai whispered.

“He’s a legendary thief who couldn’t be caught, no matter how hard the police tried,” Ashura began, “It didn’t help that they were looking for a middle-aged man. You see, the original phantom thief had already passed the title to his son, a boy even younger than you.”

Fai listened to the story until their hour was up. He wanted to hear more, but Ashura promised him he’d continue it next week. Surprisingly, Ashura simply told his mom that more sessions would be beneficial instead of explaining she’d paid him to tell their 15-year-old a story.

The sun was setting when they left the building. It was too early, in Fai’s opinion, but winter was here. 

“How did you like therapy?” his mother asked, a small smile on her face.

“It was fine. Ashura was nice,” Fai said honestly, “Am I going back next week?”

“Yes, I think you should give it a shot for a month and go from there. What do you want for dinner? Your father wants to go out tonight.”

Fai shrugged, “Snow City?”

She laughed, “Sounds good to me!”

~~~

Kurogane stared at the ceiling from his bed. It was his safe spot for the moment. It had been that since he started dreaming of that blonde boy, but now he just wanted to sleep all the time and ignore reality. In his dreams he only had one person to care about.

He glanced over to the portrait on his desk. It had only been a week since his mother had passed away. His father’s sister and cousins had come in to stay at their house to help with upkeep. All the girls in his family had been incessantly keeping him company. Tomoyo seemed to be the only one to give him some silence. 

At only eight years old, she understood him in a weird way. When it was her turn to watch him, she would cuddle up to him and say nothing. Even better, she would let him hole up in his room like he was doing now. 

Kurogane lifted the corner of his mattress and pulled out his journal. He had been keeping it since he met the blonde, Fai, in his dreams. Hiding it seemed the only option considering no one would believe their interactions.

He wrote about their latest meeting and how he spent the whole time talking about his mother. How she loved stories and traditional practices. She would bless their home and pray on a weekly schedule, even as her health failed. 

His mother would sew robes and yukata for the family when she was healthier. He had a small collection from his childhood in his closet. Only one fit now, but he never wanted to get rid of them.

In the dream, he had talked about her sickness, undiagnosed and slowly worsening. He had talked about his father taking care of her while Kurogane continued school. He had talked about her last days, eyes closed in a coma, but at least peaceful.

Kurogane had talked on and on about her death, her life, her talents, and her love. 

He bit the end of his pen debating how much he should write. It wasn’t as cathartic writing about his mother as it was talking to Fai about her. Still, he knew he needed to document all of his dreams.

Fai had sat there and listened the whole time he spoke, saying random things in response when Kurogane paused. It was like therapy to him, even if Fai couldn’t understand him.

He wrote every sound Fai had made as best he could. Some were more foreign than others. Some, one phrase in particular, he could understand. The words sounded precious in his head.

I’m here.

“English, huh? I can learn that,” he said to himself. 

He could do that to be closer to Fai, this boy who has to be real. How else would he be speaking English in his dream? 

Kurogane returned the journal after writing his discovery and curled back up on his bed. Learning a language was something that could distract him, but for now he wanted to sleep. He wanted to dream.

Sixteen

Fai looked at the pill bottle in his hand. It made him feel uncomfortable at best, insane at worst. It was like this one little pill marked him as a psycho, even though he knew his mother had been on medication for years now. His mother wasn’t a psycho, she was just bipolar.

Fai was not a psycho, he just had a panic attack. One induced by stress and his underlying trigger. One that was not nearly his first, but his parents didn’t need to know that. Only Ashura did.

“Honey, are you okay?” his mother stopped the car in their driveway.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be? I got to skip school, every kid’s dream.”

She sighed, “I’ve been where you are. I know what it feels like to be prescribed pills like this. I just want you to know that your life isn’t chained to them like you think.”

He flipped the bottle to the front. Diazepam. Valium. “Side effects may include drowsiness, dizziness, tiredness, blurred vision, and unsteadiness. Please call your doctor immediately if you have memory problems, agitation, hallucinations… depression?! Isn’t this supposed to ease my PD?!”

She reached back to hold Fai’s knee, “I know, it’s hard. If any of those side effects show up we can try another pill.”

“How long?”

“I… can’t answer that.”

Fai felt himself tearing up, “You won’t answer it because you think it’ll be forever. I’m broken and these pills are just a band-aid.”

“You can’t think like that. I promise you we will find something that makes you feel better. If Valium doesn’t work, then we’ll try something else. It just takes time.”

Fai remembered what Ashura had told him about his breathing and calmed himself down. He just wanted to dig a hole in the ground and freeze there. 

“Were you scared it would change you?”

His mother leaned back in her chair, “I won’t lie to you, it was terrifying. I had no idea how much of me was the illness and how much was just… me. I almost flushed them down the toilet in the first week. But things turned out okay in the end. The first three pills didn’t work for me, but I don’t think that’s going to be a problem for you.”

“Why not?”

“Your father was on Valium when he quit drinking. The withdrawal was almost worse than the addiction, so his doctor made him take them. It helped a lot, and he never had any terrible side effects.”

“That doesn’t mean I won’t.”

“You’re related to him, so there’s a good chance it’ll be fine,” she reassured.

“I’m also related to you though,” Fai pressed.

“And I never took Valium, so we won’t know. Come on, let’s get out of the car before we bake.”

Fai followed her into the house and sat at the dining table, “I’m not going to feel better about this until I take them, am I?”

She smiled sadly, “Not even then. It all takes so much time to get through, but I’m here for you, and your father is here for you.”

And Dream Boy, he added to himself. Suddenly, he just wanted to sleep away the day. Kurogane would listen, even if he couldn’t understand. Part of Fai didn’t even want to mention it.

He’d keep his reality out of his calm dreams. The good dreams may just be enough to brighten his real life. It was a baseless hope, but he held on to it.

“Here,” his mother passed over a glass of water, “It’s almost dinner time, so you can take your first pill now, and then again when you wake up tomorrow.”

Fai popped the pill in his mouth and downed the glass. It felt like a rock hitting his stomach. He tried not to focus on it.

You should try to talk about him, Ashura spoke in his head. Fai wanted to, but he also never wanted to bring it up. It was a taboo.

He took a deep breath, “I told Ashura about Yui.”

~~~

Kurogane tapped his pencil against his desk. He was far ahead of his classmates in English but fell behind in other subjects. He didn’t have the drive to study anything else.

He thought about what Fai had told him. In the dream, he couldn’t understand what Fai was saying, but he remembered when he woke.

I had a breakdown in front of my mom.

Fai told him about his twin, Yui, and how she died. He said that his parents never talked about her, and he stood up to his mother about it. Kurogane was glad it ended well for him. Fai said she spent all night telling him everything she could about his twin. He couldn’t imagine his father never mentioning his mother again.

He scribbled some words onto his notebook. None of them had to do with the math on the board. Instead, he wrote his own story. Well, the beginnings of one at least.

Kurogane had tried to plot it out several times, but felt he was getting close now. It was a story about a dreamseeing detective. He had been struggling to find a gritty reason for his detective to be spurred on, but perhaps a murdered sister would fit?

Kurogane considered the ethics of using Fai’s life as inspiration. He was always debating whether Fai was real or not. It made more sense for him not to be. There was every reason that he was just a figment of his imagination. He could have been speaking gibberish with what little English Kurogane knew. Then he learned more and started dreaming in English. 

So, it would be just fine to use his life in literature, right?

That thought is what drove Kurogane to continue writing in his notebook. The tragic background fit well with the detective’s fake jovial attitude. Disregarding Fai’s reality was helping him.

Kurogane vaguely remembered the word ‘muse.’ They inspired artists of all kinds. Perhaps, that’s all Fai is. He’s just a muse in his head here to help him navigate life.

“Suwa!” 

Kurogane snapped out of his daydreaming and stood up, “Yes, sir?”

“Did you do the homework?”

“Yes sir!”

“Then please answer when I call on you. What did you get for 14b?”

Kurogane pulled his homework out and realized he had no idea how to solve that problem. He glanced at the board and sighed internally, “I wasn’t sure how to finish it.”

His teacher let him sit back down and continued the lesson. Kurogane put his notebook away and tried his best to pay attention. 

His detective and his muse would have to wait until lunch.

Seventeen

Fai thumbed his locket. It held a small picture of Yui that his mother pulled out after his breakdown the year prior. He loved it beyond anything else he owned.

Ashura suggested getting one in a session and Fai appreciated the advice. He always felt like his brother was there with him, even though he was in the ground now.

He knelt in the grass before the headstone and smiled, "Good morning! I told you I'd keep my promise!"

Fai set the bouquet of sunflowers over the grave, "Mom said you like yellow things. I was wondering if I should get different ones, but I figured you could use lots more sunshine."

Fai looked up at the sun setting behind some clouds. Winter was always too dark for him.

"I had another dream of Kuro-puu. His robe just gets older and older, but he takes care of it at least," Fai chuckled, "It really does look like the same one from when we met, even though that wouldn't fit him anymore. He's gotten so much taller!

"I'm a little jealous. He used to hate it when I laughed at his voice cracking or pointed out how short he was. But now he's so much taller than me, and has the deepest voice I've ever heard... I don't really mind that, though."

Fai blushed at the thought, "I don't want to admit that I love a dream. Ashura says it's a coping mechanism. He told me as long as it helps me, I shouldn't be worried. But I'm not always sure he's fake. I wish I had an answer."

It looked like it was about to snow, the sun peeking through thick clouds. He chuckled, "Think you could do me a favor? If Kuro is real, really real and out there, knock three times for me. Just so I know!"

Fai rolled his eyes when he didn't hear anything. Of course, he wouldn't, his brother couldn't move and Kurogane was only a dream. A particularly attractive one that he created to be less lonely.

"I miss you, you know?" Fai sighed, "It won't go away, and Ashura assured me that was okay. That we all handle grief differently and that I had repressed mine for so long that it can be hard to deal with but... I really miss you."

Fai hugged his knees and leaned on the headstone, "I'm glad I can talk to you, even like this. I could never admit I love Dream Boy to anyone else. And I'm glad I can talk about you, even if it still bothers mom and dad."

Still, he hoped that Kurogane would stay with him even if he healed.

~~~

Kurogane knelt in front of the altar and lit the incense. He didn’t particularly like the way it smelled, but he knew his mother liked them smoking as she slept.

He put his hands together and gave a small prayer for her wellbeing. After, he leaned his back against the wall next to the altar and pulled out his journal. Kurogane had a lot to add at this point. He had had many dreams of Fai in the past couple months.

He wrote his thoughts on the boy, and how he had finally gotten taller. Fai stayed slim through all these years while he had built up muscle from kendo. He wasn’t unhealthily thin, though. If anything, Fai was looking happier and healthier than he had in years.

Kurogane thought that it might be because of his own growth. His own grief was fading each day. He knew the pain would never disappear, and every year on his mother’s death day the wound was wrenched open as if it had happened the day before. Still, talking with Fai helped him immensely. Either Fai was his psyche, or the real Fai was healing too.

He shook his head at the thought. Four years had passed, and he still didn’t know if Fai was real or not. 

He turned to his mother’s ashes, “You know, right? Now that you’re not here? What’s happening with me?”

Kurogane blinked. He couldn’t talk to his parents about these things normally, but what could be the harm now?

“I’m gay, you know. Did you ever figure that one out? I should have just told you when I had the chance,” he sighed, “I kept this stupid journal filled with all the things I should have just told you.

“I’ve been seeing a boy in my dreams. He’s grown with me. I’m sure you’d have plenty to say about what that means, but I’m at a loss. All I know is he’s always there to listen, or to talk. The more he tells me, the more I write. I’ve finished my second draft already.”

He looked up at the alter again, “Do you think… Should I go for it? Send it to a publishing house? Do you think they’d like it?”

He wasn’t expecting a response, and he didn’t get one. Instead he thought back to his last talk with Fai.

Yui reminds me that I have to live like I’m dying, because we all are.

“My muse speaks again,” he whispered.

Kurogane put out the incense and went to his room. After one last bit of hesitation, he printed out his draft. It took longer than he would have liked. His father was already home by the time he finished.

“What’s all that?”

Kurogane was on his computer trying to find out where he could send it while another copy printed, “My novel.”

“Novel? You wrote a novel?! When?”

He shrugged, “I started it last year.”

His father picked up the first page and carefully read it, “You’re going to send this out?”

Kurogane blushed and taped his fingers on the keyboard, “You think I shouldn’t?”

“No,” he smiled, “I think it’s good. At least the first page is. When did you get into crime dramas?”

“Same time I got into sewing,” he joked dryly.

His father hummed, “You let it out again?”

“And did some mending,” he said, “There are still some thin patches.”

He ruffled Kurogane’s hair, “Don’t stay up too late working with it. Your mother made that robe so you could wear it forever, but she wouldn’t want you to lose sleep over it.”

Kurogane agreed wholeheartedly. Before his mother passed, she made the robe with a large amount of seam allowance so he could let it out and keep it with him. She hadn’t been able to teach him how to let it out or how to mend it, but Tomoyo was more than willing to help. She was only 10 now but knew more about sewing than his mother ever had.

“Think she would mind me staying up to print my novel?”

“No,” he answered, “Lights off as soon as it’s done. You can start again in the morning.”

Kurogane figured as much. He had chosen to go to high school, and this was his payment for further education. With a sigh, he followed his father’s orders and went to bed after organizing both copies.

Eighteen 

You are everything to me.  
Under the pretense of fiction  
I can love you for all your worth.

And the day cycles  
Never slowing until  
Dreams begin

Fighting with myself to either  
Attack the wall or remain at an  
Impasse with the damned thing.

And the day cycles  
Never slowing until  
Dreams begin

Kicking down the glass held  
Up by the sky, an idea  
Rendered useless by the  
Obdurate thing separating us.  
Gaining speed  
And pushing against it only sends  
Nebulous groans into the vast  
Eternity sprawling around us.

And the day cycles  
Never slowing until  
Dreams begin

Maybe listening is all we can do,  
Other than stare helplessly  
To try and send our feeling  
Hovering over the barrier  
Existing impossibly tall  
Rendering our hands moot.

And the day cycles  
Never slowing until  
Dreams begin  
.  
.  
.

Fai woke up not sure how to feel. The dreams had been coming so frequently, it was hard to separate them. It was a saga of frustration and pain. These dreams used to be a comfort, but now he just felt empty. Why couldn’t he and Kurogane touch? Why did he just give up? He would have a deep session with Ashura this week, he was sure.

At least it was Saturday. He woke up earlier than he wanted, but he knew that when he woke from a Kurogane dream, there was no hope of falling back asleep. Fai sat up and flicked on his lamp. He had nothing better to do, so he logged on his computer and tried to find new recipes to try out.

He liked cooking but it wasn’t exactly his dream. He wanted a sophisticated life in the big city. The logistics of doing that with a job he liked eluded him, but he had time before graduation to make it work.

Fai heard a soft knock on his door, “Come in.”

His mother opened the door, “Something wrong?”

He shook his head, “Just another dream.”

Fai knew his mother had trouble sleeping. She told him she woke up at four o’clock more often than not. With her napping schedule, she was resigned to odd employment and special split day scheduling. Luckily, her manager was able to make arrangements for her to keep her job after the accident worsened her disorder.

“Want to talk about it?”

“No, it wasn’t a nightmare or anything. Just Dream Boy giving me more subconscious advice!”

“Oh,” she giggled, “And what did he say?”

“Do what I can and accept what I can’t?” Fai guessed, “After last month’s trying to crack the glass and the anger from the one before that, I think that’s the best outcome.”

“Is the struggle over?”

“Is it ever?” Fai smiled, “They’re just dreams either way.”

His mother knew how he struggled with these dreams, and how Ashura said they were mirroring his real anxieties. The problem was he didn’t know what anxiety this set of dreams was mirroring. The frustration and want he was feeling was coming from the dreams themselves. Fai wanted to be with Kurogane now more than ever. 

“When’s my next appointment?”

His mother leaned on the door frame, “In two days, after school. Do you need to give him a call today?”

“No,” Fai sighed, “I’m fine. Just got a lot to unpack this time.”

“Okay, just let me know it’s there’s anything I can do.”

“You can tell me which chicken recipe looks better?” Fai turned his computer around for her to see his top two choices.

“Hmm… I think that marsala looks better!”

~~~

Kurogane first thought he looked so sad. His muse had a resignation about him that almost scared him. The last few months had been spent with rapid fire dreams and frantic fighting to touch each other. The dream he had just woken from seemed to burn out all the fire they had.

It was half past midnight, but at least it was Sunday. He flicked his light on and pulled the journal from his drawer. After writing the update, he looked back through it. The dates proved that he was having more of these strange dreams lately. 

They made for good inspiration, but Kurogane always felt guilty. He had published two novels already using small bits of Fai’s life. They had sold decently, but nothing incredible yet. He supposed he shouldn’t complain. He had dropped out of high school to finish writing his first book after a publisher accepted his draft. This was more than he should expect.

Still, the amount of dreams he was having was worrying. They felt panicked and rushed. Fai didn’t talk much anymore. Instead he beat the glass between them and tried to get past it. 

Kurogane helped him in some of them, and in others he gave up. His soul gave out sooner than Fai’s had. There was no touching in that world and he had to accept that.

Acceptance was the last thing he wanted. He struggled to accept much of anything since his mother passed. Kurogane changed what he needed and protected what he loved. There was no room for blind acceptance of pain.

He growled to himself. There was something fundamentally wrong with his placidity in the dream. He was tired of fighting a mountain, essentially. The look that had been in Fai’s eyes mirrored his own fatigue. 

Kurogane sat up, heart steadying, and went to his father’s room. He knocked on the door when he saw the light flooding through the cracked, “Hey, dad? You awake?”

His father hummed his response and frowned when we saw Kurogane’s state, “What’s wrong?”

He didn’t want to get into it, but he needed help, “I had a nightmare and… It just… made me feel so weak.”

His father sat up straight and pat the futon, “Talk to me.”

Kurogane sat crisscross on the comforter, “What do you do when you’re out of options?”

His father eyed him, deciding what advice would be the best, “Kurogane. I want to say you are never out of options, but that’s a lie. Some things make you want to lay down and die because the alternative is living with things you can’t control. All I can tell you is that the only thing I regret is what I didn’t do. All the things I failed when I needed to succeed.”

Kurogane listened intently. It wasn’t as helpful as he had hoped, but he wasn’t a child anymore. He had a job and a decision to make. How would he take the dream’s contents mixed with his father’s advice?

“Are you going to keep moving?”

Kurogane nodded slowly, “I can’t lay down and do nothing. I don’t have it in me.”

His father smiled, “Good. I knew I didn’t raise a quitter.”

Kurogane cracked a smile, “Suwa’s don’t quit, even when we should.”

“Go back to bed,” he waved Kurogane off, “I’m tired.”

He hugged his father, something he hadn’t done in years, and left the room before he could throw some sarcasm his way. Kurogane wasn’t sure he could sleep anytime soon, so he went to writing instead. He started at the beginning.

Nineteen

Fai’s eyes glazed over as he looked out his window. He was bored out of his mind and nothing to keep him company except the promise of another dream. He needed a job, even though his parents assured him he could take his time.

Kurogane had been acting different recently. He was more sure of himself, and his voice comforted Fai more than it used to. His stance was strong, and his eyes let Fai know the separation didn’t matter.

He smiled to himself. The little boy he knew was grown. Too bad Fai hadn’t grown with him. Now that he was out of school, he had nothing to do and nowhere to be. 

He heard someone knock on his door, “Come in.”

His mom peeked her head in, “You okay? You’ve been silent all day.”

“Yeah, just bored,” he mumbled, chin resting on his hand.

“Want to go out? We can go to the mall?”

“We did that two days ago.”

“The pool?”

“Closed for repairs.”

“Ice skating?”

Fai gave her a knowing look, “You’re too clumsy to be on ice.”

She sighed and sat on his bed, “What do you want to do?”

“Sleep until I suddenly have a job.”

“You know, just because we said you could take your time doesn’t mean we won’t let you get a job”

He hummed and pulled out the small stack of resumes, “I know. I have been looking. I just… I don’t think I want to settle here.”

She looked down, “That doesn’t surprise me, but I don’t want you to go.”

“Again, I know. There’s just…”

“Nothing for you here,” she smiled, “That’s why I moved here. Bigger city, more things around. Have you looked where you want to go?”

“Not yet. I’m scared to up and move.”

“It’s tough,” she agreed, “So make sure you have a good place in mind before you leave. Don’t go where we can’t visit you.”

Fai laughed. The conversation could have gone sour so quickly, but his mother was the most understanding woman in the world, “You’re the absolute best!”

~~~

Kurogane had a book written. It wasn’t one he told anyone about, even his publisher. He wanted to send it out to the world, but the content was… not his usual. He couldn’t let his family find out about it. That was hard considering they read everything he wrote, sometimes multiple times by the time it was out.

That made him think of a pen name. Most BL authors used one anyway. It would be simple to create one, but what if Yuuko didn’t approve? There was a chance she wouldn’t edit the genre. 

He tapped his fingers lightly over the keyboard. Maybe it would be best to send it elsewhere under a new name. Kurogane contemplated that risk and cursed himself. He was not a coward!

He pulled out his cell and dialed Yuuko’s number.

“Evening, Kurogane, what do you need?”

“I have a new book.”

“What’s the idea?”

“Not an idea, a book. I wrote it.”

He heard a deep sigh. This wasn’t the first time he had pulled this stunt, “What’s it about?”

Kurogane hesitated, “Well… it’s BL.” He almost thought he had lost Yuuko for how long she was silent. “You there?”

“Really? You’re not messing with me?”

“I don’t ‘mess,’” he sighed, “Can I just send it over or do I need a new editor for this.”

“Don’t you dare get anyone else! I am Youou Suwa’s editor and I’m not letting you go.”

“That sounds ominous.”

She grinned, “Are you going to publish it under your name.”

“Not a chance.”

Twenty

There are things that one can’t let go of  
Red and blue eyes meeting across the way  
Chopped black hair styled above  
Sharply curved jaw molded from clay  
Fingers pressed against the glass  
Rough hand just out of reach  
A feeling of want unspoken  
Deep, rasping voice in echoed brass  
Ears filled with foreign speech  
a chain of words unbroken

Thick or thin, the glass is a prison  
Quiet and calm mixed with deep loneliness  
A place of connection, sending a frisson  
Of something growing and tightening his chest  
Right here and right there  
One place, but two halves  
“I love you. I can’t even talk to you.”  
Would he care?  
Would they ever cross paths?  
No words, no touches, only red and blue

What if this was the last?  
A relationship ended before its start  
This time they might pass  
Despite what he wants in his heart  
Back to the glass, slide to the floor  
Imagination of a better time  
“Hold me, I want your warmth.”  
Imagine him melding through the wall, opening the door  
In the distance a warning chime  
Eyes closing and lightness forms

Fai opened his eyes, barely registering he was crying. He didn’t move and stared emptily at the ceiling. He thought he was past his affliction with Dream Boy, but maybe he needed to call his therapist again. The heavy feeling in his heart was visceral this morning.

He ran his hands through his hair. It was a fitting end to his time in Alaska. A strong confession to his dearest Kurogane was the best way to spend his last night at home. 

Fai had decided a few months back it was time to move across the country. He had big city dreams and knew Anchorage couldn’t give him what he wanted anymore. With minimal planning, and an apartment full of his new furniture, his plane ticket would take him to New York today.

In two hours.

“Shit!” Fai jumped out of his bed and pulled on some clothes. 

Thankfully, he had his carry-on bag fully packed from the night before. He grabbed it and took one last look at his old room. It was empty of everything he needed but held trinkets and blankets he knew he would miss. His parents were going to keep his room available for when he visited, but it was still sad to say goodbye.

He left the room and shut the door, heading into the kitchen, “Mom! Why didn’t you wake me up sooner?”

“Your plane isn’t leaving until tonight, sweety,” she laughed and passed him a mug of coffee.

“Eh? I bought it for noon right?”

“Check your ticket.”

Sure enough, the ticket had a departure time of 3:55 PM. “Why did I do that?”

“To make you sleep at the right time when you got there so you don’t have jet lag. Or so you explained.”

Fai did the math in his head and nodded, “Yeah, that makes sense. That’ll get me at the apartment between 11 and 12… Yeah, still don’t remember doing that.”

“Have you taken your morning pill?”

“Right! Right… It’s in the bag,” Fai searched his carry-on and pulled out his valium. While the dosage had gone down over the years, it still helped him cope. 

He took the pill with coffee and gave a thumbs up to his mother, “You take yours?”

“Lithium doesn’t affect my memory, Fai. I always take it,” she set a plate of eggs in front of him, “Eat up and tell me what you want for your last meal here.”

“Salmon and cobbler,” Fai grinned, “I won’t be able to get them nearly as fresh in New York.”

“Chinook?”

“Obviously!”

~~~

He hadn’t chosen the name. Kurogane never would have chosen this name. He didn’t care that it was approachable or feminine. He didn’t care that it would fool the audience and keep them from guessing his identity. ‘Mokona’ was not the name he wanted.

He had woken up to the package in his mailbox. Kurogane liked to check it every morning after his run, and today was the day he received his newest book. After bringing the copy to his apartment, he wasted no time opening it to inspect the quality and cover.

Kurogane looked at the second book in his BL series. The cover was girly and brightly colored. He had vetoed a pink cover, so it was orange and yellow instead. It looked like a magical sunset with Kazahaya floating aimlessly in the center. The bottom held the worst part, ‘Mokona.’

He put the advanced copy back in the box and closed it tight. The box was placed in his closet so his family wouldn’t find it. Tomoyo had proven leaving the books in his room wasn’t good enough when she stumbled upon the first one. 

She had read it, given it back, and asked politely if he had written it or just bought it. After Kurogane confirmed he had written the pining novel, the teasing became merciless. 

“Who would have guessed you had such a gentle heart?” Tomoyo had feigned happy tears, “Is Kazahaya your inner voice, just begging to be heard?”

Kurogane made her promise to keep the secret, and now he kept the books in the back of his closet in a box labeled ‘notebooks.’ To double protect his stash, he had notebooks on top of the two advanced copies he had received so far.

He just got the box stowed when the doorbell went off. Kurogane checked the peephole and opened the door wide, “Morning.”

Tomoyo held up a basket full of various items, “Congratulations on the new book!”

He took the basket and let her in, “Thanks. You don’t have to do this every time a new one comes out.”

“I don’t have to, but I will,” she smiled, “Plus, I finished a new jacket for you. Can you try it on for me?”

Kurogane sighed and picked the clothing out of the basket. He pulled it on and started testing out the movement and fit. Tomoyo was quick to come up to him and move his arms.

“How does it feel?”

“A little tight when I raise my arms.”

She hummed and checked the seam at the armpit, “I don’t like the bubbling on top, but I can give it some room down here. Maybe I should shorten the shoulder.”

Kurogane knew better than to respond. His cousin always talked to herself when she was measuring or checking the fit. This particular jacket was going to be his for the annual Christmas party for the authors and editors. 

Having done her inspection and marked a few places, she pulled the jacket off and folded it neatly, “Thank you, Kurogane. Did you get your copy of it yet?”

Kurogane jerked his head to the couch and sat down on his chair, “Yeah, Yuuko took control of the cover again.”

She laughed and sat down, “She’s making them appeal to the female audience.”

“I don’t want fujoushi to drool over it. I want it to appeal to a larger audience than that.”

“I know, but anything BL has a stigma around it. This is how you get sales. Yuuko is very good at getting your books off the shelves.”

Kurogane groaned, “I like to think my writing does that.”

Tomoyo shook her head, “The greatest writer in the world may go unnoticed because no one liked the cover enough to pick it up.”

He didn’t want to admit she was right, so he changed the subject, “School going good?”

“Yes, Sakura made the cheer team again, and I got the solo for our winter concert.”

“When is that?”

“The weekend before your party. You should wear this to it as a trial run,” she patted the jacket in her lap.

“Sure,” he sighed, “Anything else to report?”

“We had a transfer student today,” she grinned, “A boy from China.”

“China? Why’s he here?”

“His parents moved. His mother’s Japanese, so they moved here for the time being,” she explained, “Sakura took to him immediately and he ate lunch with us.”

“You alright with that?”

“I don’t have a choice in the matter,” she smiled, “Besides, she is adorable when she blushes!”

Kurogane nodded and thought back to when Tomoyo had come out. Her mother didn’t seem to care, but there was a confusion in his father’s eyes. Something that he didn’t understand. He had already been worried about spilling the beans but decided he never would after that look. 

He only had his father left. Kurogane wasn’t going to risk losing him or creating any awkward space between them.

I love you.

Fai had said it last night, looking serene and sure of himself. Even if his muse could openly say it, Kurogane would not destroy his reality for him. How could he even explain to his father that he’s gay because a man appears in his dreams and looks more gorgeous than any women ever could? His own mother and perhaps an older Tomoyo being the exceptions, of course.

He crossed his arms, “Do you want a copy of it?”

Tomoyo grinned, “Did you get me one?”

Kurogane nodded and went to fish the copy out of his closet. He knew she would be by sooner or later and hid it just behind the box for ease, “Here.”

She took the book and ran her fingers over the glossy cover, “I like it.”

“Better than it could have been,” he shrugged.


	2. Part 2

Twenty-One

Fai had spent the last year settling himself in New York. He came to the city with a bartending position already lined up, and he liked his little apartment. It was cramped, but at least there were things to do around his home.

Part of him was still worried over his sanity. He hadn’t had a dream with Kurogane since the day he left Anchorage. Ashura said it was a sign he didn’t need that crutch anymore, but Fai felt lonely without his Dream Boy. Every time he thought he was fine without his companion, he was reminded of the love he had for Kurogane.

Love for a figment of his imagination that he created to cope with the loss of his brother. Maybe Ashura was wrong. Maybe he was a little psychotic. 

Even though the memory of Kurogane tended to haunt his thoughts, Fai led a nice life with a few good friends.

His best friend came from his work. They were both bartenders, and she ended up training him. While it was odd for a straight woman to flirt with women at a gay club, she did well to earn her tips.

Caldina was a whirlwind of a woman and helped him through most of the sticky parts of starting off in a new place. Still, she had some interesting quirks of her own.

“I don’t really want to read your smut books,” Fai laughed.

“This one is good though!” Caldina urged, “I swear you’ll like it. It’s weird occulty stuff. Right up your alley.”

“If it were right up my alley, you wouldn’t like it. Now do you want something to drink or not?”

Caldina gave a heavy sigh, “Whiskey sour, on the rocks.”

Fai turned to grab a glass for her, “Just because I love you, what exactly would I like about this Japanese porn book?”

“Besides the gay main characters and tragic ending?”

“Yeah, besides that,” Fai set her drink down.

“Well, it’s about two boys who own a magic mirror that lets them talk to each other. Problem is they can’t even understand each other. Still, they really like each other and keep talking through pictures and stuff.”

Fai was reminded of his dreams and the face of a man just out of reach, “Weird, but that’s not occult.”

“You know I don’t read occult. How should I know what paranormal shit goes on in them? Are you going to read it?”

“Fine,” Fai relented, “I’m curious enough to give it a try.” 

Caldina plopped the books right on the bar, “Five in total so far. The sixth is out, but not translated yet. I’ll pass it to you when it is.”

“So far? I thought you said it had a tragic ending?”

“So far it does, the end of the sixth book is incredible! But the author said there would be more.”

Fai took the first book off the top and looked at the cover. It had two boys back to back, one blonde and one black haired. They were surrounded by clear bubbles and a soft blue background. The title read ‘Across the Mirror: Who Are You?’ in a neat serif font. The author, written in a cute cursive, was simply ‘Mokona.’ This did not look like a book he would enjoy. Fai hid it behind the bar, “I just need the first one right now. Take your porn off the bar, please.”

“You sure? They read fast. I don’t want a 2:00 AM call asking for more later.”

Fai rolled his eyes, “Who says I’m even going to read it tonight?”

Caldina put the remaining books in her bag, “Point taken, but I’m sure you’re going to love this!”

“Sure, enjoy your drink, I have work to do,” Fai pulled away and started tending to other patrons. 

~~~

Kurogane was not a sentimental person by nature. He was frightening to most bystanders, and he heard tourists call him yakuza from time to time. There was no base for the claims, besides his stone-cold face, but it had been a rumor when he was younger. 

This was the exact reason Kurogane kept his work to himself. His family constantly asked for his newest novels, but they only read the ones under his real name. No one would guess that this stoic man was the award-winning BL novelist ‘Mokona.’

He kept to himself, never showing his face or doing more than written interviews for his novels. Kurogane wouldn’t risk even that for ‘Mokona’ books. His cousin was the only one to figure it out. 

His lack of sentimentality brought him to his current problem. He hadn’t dreamt of his muse in months and needed a solid draft for his seventh book. 

“How are you doing, Kurogane?”

Kurogane stayed quiet as he stared at his empty screen. His editor, one demonic Yuuko Ichihara, was on his ass about turning something in. Anything would be better than this.

“I don’t like the silence. Give me some faith here.”

Kurogane groaned into the phone, “I have the Morning Sun manuscript changed and ready to fax.”

“Great, that’s not due for some time. I need the Mirror draft next month. You should be halfway through it, correct?”

“I have a blank page.”

“Kurogane,” Yuuko breathed, “You have cranked all of these out the past few years. Did you honestly not have an ending planned? And you didn’t think of one in all this time?”

Kurogane rolled his eyes. 

It would be ridiculous to admit he hadn’t thought of the last book. When he started writing, he only had the first four books decided. He had counted on his muse showing him the way. For the next two years, he had pulled through.

This year, his muse was nowhere to be found. There had been no night visits in a full year. Kurogane was not sentimental by himself. He needed that inspiration to work.

“Writers block,” he finally answered.

“No, don’t tell me that. You have never been a difficult author. I don’t need another difficult author!”

“Yuuko, I’m going to hang up now and get some air.”

“Kuroga-”

Kurogane tapped his phone to end the call. He looked at the clock and decided he had about 15 minutes before Yuuko knocked down his door for being rude. He grabbed his wallet, keys, and phone before getting out of the apartment building. 

Once a safe distance away, he pulled out the phone and dialed his only ally.

“Kurogane?”

“Tomoyo, can you meet me at your dumb café?”

She laughed, “You want to go to Tirol now? I thought you wouldn’t be caught dead there.”

He wouldn’t have, but now it seemed like the perfect hiding place to stay away from the Witch. 

“Yeah, I want to go now. Problem?”

“Hm, just one. Are you ditching your work?”

“I have never once done that before,” he growled, “Did that witch call you already?!”

“Texted, like normal people do,” she corrected, “But I’ll allow it, since you’re willing to try fondant au chocolat with me.”

“I never said-” Kurogane paused, understanding the price of her silence, “Sure. I’ll try it.”

“Then you’ll get a solid hour to try it,” Tomoyo said, “See you there!”

The line went dead. Kurogane wondered why he was cursed with powerful women surrounding him. On the plus side, he grew up dealing with them and he knows how to handle Yuuko. The downside was he could never truly escape their wrath.

He heard Tomoyo rave about this café for months, so he knew exactly where it was. Kurogane decided to walk the distance, hoping his hour started once he arrived.

“You’re late, dearest cousin. But I did say you’d have an hour to taste it,” Tomoyo giggled.

Kurogane sighed his relief and sat across from her, “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?”

“Whatever problem is so bad that you are running away from Yuuko?”

He leaned back in the chair, “My draft is due next month and I have nothing written.”

Tomoyo widened her eyes, “Nothing? Not a word?”

“Not a letter.”

“That’s… worse than I thought. What did you have planned for this book?”

“Nothing.”

Tomoyo gave him a disbelieving look, “You had four books planned at the start and planned two more while writing those. You always plan ahead.”

“Not with these,” he admitted, “They just come to me.”

“How so?”

“I,” he paused, “I have dreams.”

Tomoyo stayed quiet to let him figure out the words. He appreciated her maturity, even when they were younger. She knew him better than most people and never pushed him too far.

“I see a boy there. Well, a man now. My age. Calls himself Fai. He speaks only English and in my dreams I can only speak and understand Japanese. I wake up and know what he said but we can’t really communicate in them. He’s my muse.”

“So, you based Kazahaya off of him?”

“Yeah, I don’t know why I don’t just write for Rikuo. I guess… I just want to get inside his mind, even if he’s not real.”

“When did you start dreaming of him?”

“14, same as in the story.”

She laughed, “I get why you wanted to learn English so badly at 16. Do you love him?”

That was not a line of questioning Kurogane was prepared for. He couldn’t really be in love with a figment of his imagination. Fai was a dream muse, no matter how real he seemed.

Fai seemed very real. He talked about his troubles and listened to Kurogane’s in turn. 

‘I don’t know what you’re saying but I’m here.’

It felt perfect in that light place. He had wanted to touch Fai for years, wanted to comfort him and laugh and just hold his hand. If Kurogane did love this figment, he was doomed.

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t believe you,” Tomoyo smiled kindly as the food and coffee was brought to them, “I got you black since you’re already eating chocolate.”

“Thanks. Is it at least dark chocolate?”

“Take a bite and find out.”

Kurogane hesitated but stuck his fork in the cake. As he pulled it away, the chocolate oozed out of the cave he made. It looked difficult to make and sweet as Hell. Great.

He ate the bite and swallowed it quickly, “Milk chocolate.”

“Technically the café’s personal blend, but you’re not wrong! Taste good?”

“Tastes like chocolate.”

She smiled and started to eat the rest of it, “That’s better than bad… Kurogane, did you know you can’t dream of a face you’ve never seen before?”

Kurogane dismissed her, “I never saw this guy before.”

“That’s not possible, scientifically.”

“He’s a tall, blonde westerner that I started dreaming about when I was 14. Where would I have seen him at that age. And how would he have aged with me even if I had?”

“What’s your explanation then? I know you don’t believe in magic.”

“I have an imagination, Tomoyo.”

“Kurogane, you know I’m trying to help, not to annoy you. If we find the origin of this muse, maybe you can control it a bit better.”

Control another human that shows up in his dreams? Kurogane didn’t like the sound of that. Then, he kicked himself for thinking about Fai like he was real. Even if he had just glimpsed him as a kid somewhere, the Fai he saw was completely separate from any reality. 

“Maybe. Maybe I just need to give up on the dreams and figure it out.”

Tomoyo shook her head, “I have a feeling you’ve done nothing but that for a couple months now.”

She was right.

“But I hope you do get it in on time. I’m looking forward to how it all ends.”

“Who said the next book is the last?”

“I thought it would be after the last one. Kazahaya confessed at the end of the last book. Where else can it go from there?”

“Where? Good question. If I had a fucking clue I wouldn’t be here.”

“Language,” Tomoyo started, “Are you keeping track of time? I would finish your coffee soon.”

Kurogane glared lightly at her, “How much longer?”

“10 minutes until I send this text to Yuuko.”

He looked at the text and rolled his eyes.

At Tirol, sending him home now! Good luck Ms. Ichihara! :)

“Who says I’m heading home after this?”

“You have plans tonight?” she challenged.

Kurogane looked hard at his now empty coffee cup, “No.”

Tomoyo nodded, “So go home and face your editor like the strong man you are.”

“You are turning into your sister. You know that, right?”

“Kendappa is an intelligent businesswoman, so I’m glad to learn from her.”

“Yeah,” Kurogane thought about how Kendappa had strong armed her way to the top of Piffle Princess in less than two years, “Intelligent and ruthless. Thanks for giving me some time.”

“Are you going to be okay?”

He waved her off, “Yeah, Suwa’s don’t quit.”

She giggled and finished the saying, “Even when they should. Be nice to Ms. Ichihara!”

Kurogane groaned at the reminder.

~~~

Fai looked over at the book on his nightstand. He had been putting it off for a week and was finally starting to feel guilty. After deciding that a promise should be kept, and that his boredom wasn’t going anywhere soon, he picked up the book and flipped it over.

“’On the first day of Kazahaya’s last year of Junior High, he comes across a mirror that connects him to another boy his age. Although he has trouble communicating, he is nevertheless enchanted by the strange boy. He finds a friend in the mirror boy and begins wishing for his visits.’ What am I getting myself into? This sounds like a preteen’s fantasy… Wait, does this have smut?!” Fai searched for a rating and thankfully found no warnings for explicit behavior.

He opened the book and got comfortable on his bed. The book began simply enough. Kazahaya left orientation and wondered whether he’d go to high school or directly to work. He worried over love and grades. Everything a classic anime protagonist cared about.

It wasn’t until the first mirror scene that Fai became interested.

Kazahaya stood in front of the mirror. It glowed a soft pink in the dark room. 

“This isn’t normal,” he said and squatted to get a better look.

He saw a face staring back at him.

“A boy?!”

The boy looked confused and spoke some nonsensical words. 

“What did you say?”

Kazahaya placed his hand against the glass. Even if he could see to the other side, he couldn’t cross the barrier, “Where are you?”

With a flash of light, the mirror went back to normal. Kazahaya tapped it to see if the boy would come back but moved away soon after. Was it a daydream? He knew he was tired but maybe he needed more than a night’s rest.

His mind reeling, he curled up under the covers.

Fai reread the scene slowly. It was insane, but he felt déjà vu, like the interaction was eerily familiar. As much as he hated to admit it, he wanted to read more of this strange story.

He relented and texted Caldina that he was intrigued.

The reply came a few seconds later, but Fai ignored it. He didn’t need Caldina’s comments to ruin his own experience with this. He finished the next chapter before going to bed.

~~~

“Avoiding me will do you no good, Kurogane!”

The writer scowled at the door. Yuuko had been pounding on it for ten minutes as he pretended to be out. Maybe he could escape out the window? No, that was dangerous and cowardly. He just had to own up to the fact he was stuck.

The window seemed nicer.

More knocks threatened to take the door down. He sighed and stayed low by his laptop. He was writing, just not what he needed to be. Yuuko would eventually turn away, even if that would take an hour. 

Kurogane quietly typed on his computer. This new story was about a seamstress who sewed life into kimono. Her applique would come alive when worn and dazzle onlookers. It was nothing long, he hoped, but it was a fun distraction from his BL predicament. 

He looked at the calendar. Four weeks until he had to turn in his draft for the Mirror series. He would have to work fast if he ever came up with an ending.

If the ending was next.

Tomoyo sure thought it was, but he had never written alone yet. Everything he did was spurred by Fai. Even if it was time to move on, he didn’t have time to figure out how to work without his muse. 

The banging on his door stopped. Kurogane thanked the gods her perseverance wore down before his sanity did. He closed the laptop and tip-toed to his kitchen, just in case she was still listening. He grabbed himself some tea out of the fridge and checked his phone.

35 missed calls, 16 texts.

He scrolled past the ones from Yuuko and saw his father had texted. 

‘I’m going to see your aunt today. Let me know if you can come for dinner.’

Kurogane rolled his neck and thought about it. It was a few hour train ride to Tomoyo’s mother’s house, but he could spare the time. It’s not like he was writing anyway. 

He confirmed he was going and gave it an extra half hour before leaving the apartment. It was time to procrastinate his work even more.

~~~

The mirror shone once more. The boy was back, sitting cross legged on the floor. Kazahaya was quick to kneel in full view of the mirror.

“It’s you!”

Nonsense words replied, equally surprised. Kazahaya had no idea how to handle this communication. The language was familiar, but so foreign all the same. Some sort of Chinese?

“Do you speak Japanese?”

“Japanese?” he replied and continued speaking the foreign language.

“No… I don’t understand you. What’s your name? N-A-M-E?”

Confusion.

Kazahaya put his hands to his chest, “Kazahaya.” He motioned to the boy.

He blinked a few times before the message seemed to click, “Rikuo.”

Kazahaya breathed his relief, “Rikuo. How do I ask anything else?”

“Kazahaya,” Rikuo said.

“Yeah?”

“Kazahaya.”

“Don’t have anything else to say?”

He held his hands out, some fingers extended. The left had just his index, the right had all but his thumb. After a moment, he spoke a quiet word and switched them.

“One Four?”

Rikuo pointed to himself and held out the numbers again.

Kazahaya shook his head, “I don’t get it.”

Another angry whisper. A curse?

Rikuo moved his hand from the floor to his height and pointed to himself. He held out the numbers again.

“A-age? Age?!” Kazahaya nodded, “You’re 14! Me too!” He pointed to himself and held out one and four.

A boy holding his hands out in numbers, sharing their names, hearing the name.

“Fai.”

Fai heard the voice in the back of his mind. Kurogane had done something similar. These books were… just books. Anyone would think along these lines if they needed to talk with someone like this.

He tapped his fingers against the page and debated reading more. There was something pulling him in, more than just interest. He had to read more, or he wouldn’t be satisfied. Fai finished the book feeling oddly empty. 

He texted Caldina to let her know he wanted the rest, double checking to make sure it wasn’t too late. The last thing he needed was a big, fat ‘I told you so.’

~~~

The dinner with his family turned into a sleepover. There was always drinking with his family and his aunt insisted they stay for breakfast. Kurogane took the time to hand write some possible outcomes for Kazahaya and Rikuo.

In his head, he knew he should have them meet. It was a BL series that needed a proper happy ending. 

In his heart, he didn’t feel the happy ending. He scribbled a scene with Kazahaya left heartbroken when Rikuo stopped showing up. It fit his own feelings, but Kazahaya wasn’t him. 

Kazahaya was Fai.

Kurogane crumpled the paper and tossed it in the trash, barely missing the bin. He didn’t bother to clean it up yet. There would be plenty more before the others got up for breakfast.

“Happy… What would make them happy?”

He’d be happy to see Fai once again. Kurogane didn’t need much else. His muse drove him, inspired his whole career. Even now, bits of Fai laced themselves through his new novels. 

“Where are you?” he whispered and wrote the line in his notebook, “Are you missing me?”

The loneliness he felt made its way onto the page, reading more like his old journal than a novel. He wrote quickly, letting his own words flow through Kazahaya’s mouth. The pages filled up with scratches and feelings, some being thrown into the full bin, others kept with half the words scribbled out.

“What’s all this?”

Kurogane stiffened at his father’s voice behind him, “Uh… reject writing.” He turned and watched his father pick up one of the crumpled balls.

“You must be stuck. You don’t normally write by hand.”

Kurogane bolted up to take the paper from him, “I really don’t want-”

His father’s brow raised, “This… is this new? It’s not like your usual writing.”

His breath hitched at the strange tone in his father’s voice. Was it confusion? Anger? Betrayal? “It’s… it’s nothing.” He took the paper and threw it in the trash, “Is everyone up.”

His father carefully shut the door behind him, “Kurogane, is there something you want to talk about?”

Was that sadness? Kurogane felt his stomach in his throat. His father must have picked up a particularly damning sheet, “No.”

He nodded slowly and put the rest of the crumpled papers in the trash, “If you ever need to… talk… let me know.”

Kurogane stood like a stone as his father left the room. As soon as he was gone, he dove for the trash to find the one his father had read.

Kazahaya punched the mirror, leaving a solid crack in its service. Regret flooded him. He froze staring at the broken glass. What had he done?

Rikuo already left him, and now Kazahaya had made sure they would never see each other again.

He was crying before he knew it, “Why did you go? I love you, and you ran away.”

Kurogane crushed it like he could make them both disappear. He had scrapped that scene knowing it was more his point of view than Fai’s. What did his father think of him now? That he was some lovestruck gay boy?

It wasn’t inaccurate. 

Fuck.

~~~

Fai felt awkward about coming back to work with the first book finished. He didn’t want to give Caldina the satisfaction of knowing he sped through the book. That would only result in her talking his ear off.

On the other hand, he wanted to read the rest of them. His reasons were purely innocent. There was no inkling of nostalgia, and suspicious déjà vu. He just thought it was an interesting topic.

If that were true, he wouldn’t care about Caldina’s reaction.

Fai went immediately to the back room to change and saw Caldina lounging in her street clothes, “What are you doing here. I thought you’d be long gone.”

“Not on your life,” she grinned, “I wanted to hand you the books personally.”

There was the gloat, “Of course, you did. Anything I should keep in mind while reading?”

“Try not to fall in love too hard,” she winked and handed over the other four books. 

Fai traded the one he already read and put them in his locker, “Great, now get out of here. Don’t you have a date?”

“Yes, and I wouldn’t risk being late just to banter with you. Promise.”

Fai rolled his eyes as she left. Now that she was gone, he had the urge to read some before going to the bar. He had time, roughly 20 minutes before his shift started. He pulled out the next book and sat himself on the lazy-boy.

Fai continued his reading. Kazahaya’s home life was just average. That wasn’t the interesting part of the story, and it felt like the author knew that as he sped through the next few weeks of Kazahaya’s life. Then it happened.

The mirror gleamed lightly on his floor. He sat in front of it and waited for the boy on the other side. It had been a year already since they had met, and Kazahaya was almost ready to call it a dream and forget him.

“There is no schedule for this, is there?” Kazahaya sighed, “You just show up when you please.”

He rolled his neck and listening uselessly to the reply, “I guess I show up whenever I please from your point of view. Right?”

Rikuo leaned forward to touch the mirror. It laid flat on the other side of the glass as he spoke.

Kazahaya listened intently. Nothing made sense but he listened to every syllable. He wondered if this was a story. Maybe a wish? He looked sad.

Rikuo talked for a long time. They stayed sitting in front of the mirror for hours. Kazahaya listened, only saying small confirmations that he was still there. He did not know when he fell asleep. The morning light woke him up and Rikuo was gone.

Well that could be anything. Fai sighed at his insanity and put the book down. He kept telling himself that the books were fiction. There was no point in trying to figure out what wasn’t there. His dreams were in his past, now. 

He closed the book tight and replaced it in his locker. Fai went off to start his night, thoughts of Kurogane swirling together with Rikuo.

~~~

It had been a week since his father read the discarded page. They talked at their normal times and ignored that night. Everything was normal between them. Incredibly normal.

Kurogane knew that was bull shit even as he tried to convince himself. His father was putting up a front. While they talked, he heard his father’s voice strain and wilt near the end. 

He must be disappointed. There was no other explanation. Not only was his son gay, he also lied about it. He lied about it so hard that he kept an entire series hidden from his family. 

Kurogane couldn’t calm himself down. His focus was shot and he failed to write anything. His Mirror deadline was in less than a month now and he was no closer to finishing than he was when he went to Tirol.

He wanted to see his mother, but visiting his mother meant visiting his father. Still, he found himself in front of his childhood home unannounced. Kurogane just didn’t know where else to go.

He knocked on the door.

After some shuffling, the door opened, “Hello- Oh, Kurogane?”

He nodded and stared at the floor, “Hi… I came to see mom.”

There was the sadness. Was it bad to visit his mother now? “Sure, come in.”

Kurogane walked down the hall to where his mother’s altar was. He knelt and prayed for a short while before feeling awkward in the silence. 

“Hey,” he whispered to her, “I’m sorry I haven’t been around. Things have been bad. I found out I can’t write without a crutch, and my crutch is gone.”

He sighed and sat back, “What should I do? I don’t have the time to write this. I’m going to miss the deadline and possibly destroy my career.”

There was no answer, but he didn’t expect one. His mother couldn’t reply anymore. There was someone who could reply, but Kurogane was too much of a coward to face him.

He cursed his failings.

His father had left him alone, so Kurogane had to find him in the small house. He was working at his desk in the office made from Kurogane’s room.

“Dad?”

He jumped a bit and turned around, “Yes?”

Kurogane took a deep breath, “Can we talk?”

Something lit up in his eyes, “Of course, what can I do for you?”

Kurogane sat on one of the reading chairs. He wasn’t sure how to begin. He only knew he had to for his own sanity, “I…”

He ran his hand through his hair and groaned. His father was waiting patiently for him, something he didn’t expect.

“Dad, I want to be… honest with you. I just don’t… I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry-”

“Kurogane,” his father interrupted, “You can’t apologize before you say anything.”

Kurogane gulped. He was right, but he felt guilty as Hell regardless. He just needed to spit it out, “I’m gay.”

His father breathed out and looked him in the eyes, “I love you.”

He didn’t know how to feel about that. It wasn’t the reaction he was expecting. It wasn’t even on his radar. Why had his father responded with that? No anger, no disappointment… Was that relief?

“You… What?”

His father smiled, “I love you, and I am so glad you told me.”

“But… you were so confused when Tomoyo-”

“I still am confused. I don’t understand it, and I doubt I ever will, but you’re my son.”

“You looked so sad when you read that paper,” Kurogane accused.

“I was sad,” he explained, “You were writing something that you didn’t feel comfortable telling me about. More than that you were hiding a large part of yourself from me. I was just as mad that you didn’t trust me, but that’s not all your fault. I should have made it clear that I don’t care who you love.”

Kurogane didn’t know what to stay. He was agonizing about this for a solid week and his father just blew his mind away, “You’re fucking kidding me.”

He raised his brow, “Excuse me?”

“I just… I was so stressed! I thought you’d kick me out!”

“You already live alone,” he joked.

“Of your life!” Kurogane rolled his eyes, “A week… no, two years of hiding and your response is ‘I love you?’”

“Would you want me to be mad?”

“Almost,” he whispered and let himself relax, “Thank you.”

“Loving my award-winning child is not something you should thank me for. You make it pretty easy.”

Kurogane felt like punching a wall or hugging his father. He didn’t know which would win out until he asked the worst question.

“So, what is that story about?”

Kuorgane froze, “Er… It’s… You really want to know?”

He nodded.

This was going to be a longer trip home then he intended.

~~~

“The sixth book is out!”

Fai pulled his ear away from the phone, “Cool?”

Caldina sighed heavily, “Don’t be like that! You’re the one who asked me to let you know!”

“I don’t remember asking for you to deafen me over it. Pass it over when you finish it.”

“It’s in your mailbox. That’s why I’m calling.”

Fai nearly spat out his coffee, “Seriously? When did it come out?”

“This morning. I read it at the store and dropped it off on my way home. I mean, I didn’t need much time with it, I read the Japanese version.”

“Amazing,” Fai deadpanned, hiding his own excitement, “I’ll be home in an hour or so and get it.”

“And read it?”

“And read it,” he confirmed.

“Alright, I’ll see you later tonight!”

“Ciao.”

Even though he wanted to pretend to be nonchalant, Fai sped through his errands to get home. He had read the other books in one day but waited a few days to return them. It was stupid, but he felt the need to distance himself from the books outwardly. His obsession was too close to his love of Dream Boy. 

When Fai got home, he shrugged off his bags and only put away the refrigerator and freezer food. Everything else could wait until he was done with the book.

Kazahaya ran his finger across the glass. He wanted to touch Rikuo. He wanted the glass to give way. It did not budge.

Rikuo met his hand on the other side of the mirror. He said some nonsense and sighed.

Did he want the same?

“I love you,” Kazahaya said, knowing the translation would be lost, “I can’t even talk to you.”

He leaned against the mirror as if he could fall through, “Hold me. I want your warmth…”

Fai held the book tightly. He didn’t know he was crying until a drop hit the page. He dropped the book on his bed and covered his mouth. “Who wrote this?!”

Fai scrambled to his laptop and googled ‘Mokona.’ 

“Author of Japanese BL novels, most recently ‘Across the Mirror.’ Age: unknown. Sex: unknown. No pictures, no conventions, no family name?!” Fai threw his head back in his chair, “You would be impossible to find.”

Fai stared at his ceiling, “It’s probably just a coincidence. The book is about a mirror, not a dream anyway. Dream Boy is just a dream. Remember your therapy.”

He looked back at the second book and could not help his want to flip though it again. Fai reread the earlier mirror scenes, trying to remember exactly what he said. The first book had the exact actions, but the words were paraphrased at best, entirely different at worst. It was clearly from his point of view, so if Dream Boy did write this then he would need to guess at the dialogue.

Fai flipped to the latter half of the series. As the characters got older, Kazahaya quoted him more and more. The last scene of the book was word for word what he had confessed.

“Coincidence my ass! Why do you use a ridiculous pen name?!”

He looked up the publisher next. Marukawa Publishing was a bigger company and had many departments. Listed under their BL department was Mokona. Could he try calling them? Maybe Kurogane would talk to him if he heard his name.

That was a stupid thought. He didn’t even speak Japanese. There was a good chance Kurogane spoke English but whoever he could get a hold of might not. It was a shot in the dark.

Fai whipped his head over as his phone rang. Caldina was calling him. How much time had passed since he started digging?

“Hello?”

“Hey, Fai dear, remember how we’re supposed to be meeting at the park right now?”

“Yeah sorry, I got caught up in… stuff. What can you tell me about this author?”

“What?”

“Mokona. What else has he written?”

“He? You’d be the first to assume that,” she laughed.

“She, they, ze, whatever! What do you know?”

Fai heard her take a deep breath, “Not much. Mokona keeps entirely out of the public’s eye. There are no pictures, no friends, and no hints. Their editor says nothing, and other authors have never met them. Mokona hasn’t written anything else, either.”

Fai deflated. Dream Boy might be real. He might be out there writing BL novels in Japan.

“I need to learn Japanese,” Fai thought aloud. 

“What?”

“I’m going to Japan. I need to learn Japanese.”

“What?! Since when?!”

“Right now, I’ve decided.”

“To do what? Find Mokona?”

“Yes.”

“You’ve read six of their books and now plan to seek them out like a stalker?”

Fai paused, wondering if he should, or even could, explain what was happening, “That’s… Yeah, you make a fair point. It’s hard to explain but I’m pretty sure I know him?”

Caldina took a deep breath, “What? Actually, don’t answer that. I’m coming over.”

“You don’t have to, I just-”

“Hold tight.”

Fai reviewed the call in his head as the dead tone rang in his ear. He sounded like a lunatic. Caldina must have thought he cracked. Everyone would think he cracked.

Deep down, Fai knew otherwise. He’d always felt that Kurogane was real even when Ashura had helped him bury the feeling. Dream boy was out there. It wasn’t even that he was somewhere in the world. Fai knew he was in Japan and worked with Marukawa Publishing.

Caldina came into the apartment without knocking, “Alright, explain yourself before I send you back to your therapist.”

“Things in these books… they happened between me and this guy. It’s so similar… I think it’s him,” Fai said, trying hard to leave out the dream part. Caldina knew a bit about Dream Boy, and he’d rather sound as sane as possible.

“So, you’re going to track down an author that clearly doesn’t want to be found to see if it is your friend?” 

“That’s the idea?”

“You know what, sign me up. Just remember that I was the one who said there’s a 90% chance you go to Japanese jail.”

Fai laughed, “Sign you up for what? We both can’t go on an extended vacation and leave the club understaffed.”

“Clearly, for when I have to pay your bail,” she sighed, “You really going through with this? Do you even have the money?”

He flipped open the book to the last scene, “I have to do it. This boy… If there’s even a slim chance it’s him, I have to take it.”

“You are one crazy SOB.”

“How dare you say that about my mother,” Fai smiled and traced the lines of the last paragraph. 

These books were his words, his observations of their time together. Had Kurogane consumed his life thinking about Fai like Fai had? His career at least fed off of their meetings, their love. 

“I have to pack.”

“You need a textbook. And a lot of practice.”

Fai shook his head, “One step at a time.”

“Then get your plane ticket! Or, better yet, find a place to stay while you're there.”

“Shit,” he breathed as the complications of this project hit him, “Yeah, lots to do.”

Caldina sat on the couch and opened Fai’s computer, “Do what you need, I know a few good areas from my trips. You should live near Marukawa Publishing. He may live far from there, but eventually he’ll have to come to the building.”

“You’re amazing.”

“I know. Find a flight for yourself.”

Fai picked up his phone and searched for a decently priced flight. He couldn’t pretend to be flush with cash at the moment, but times had been worse in the past. He knew roughly what he had in savings and was willing to deplete it. That thought scared him a bit.

He thought, Either I’m going back to Ashura for a session or coming to terms he was dead wrong all along.

It wasn’t a hard choice, not with this proof.

~~~

Kurogane’s father wanted to read the Mirror series. With only three weeks until the next draft was due, his father wanted to try and help. He had never helped before, more than basic editing, but Kurogane had a feeling this offer was more so he could understand a bit better.

Their talk last week had cleared up a lot of misunderstandings and made things better. He had even been engaged when Kurogane talked about the series. He assumed his father was being polite and just taking an interest.

Now he wanted to read Kurogane’s BL novels.

Fuck!

Kurogane had the six books tucked under his arms in a paper bag. It almost looked like he was smuggling drugs by how jumpy he was with them. Every time someone glanced at him he feared they inherently knew that he had gay novels. More than that, he felt like they knew he wrote the gay novels.

Nervously, he knocked on the front door.

His father opened the door and held in a laugh at the sight of his child bundled up like a criminal, “Come in.”

“Do not laugh at me,” he growled and pushed inside, “You’re the one who had me bring this stuff over a train ride.”

“You act like you’re ashamed of your creation.”

“I’m not,” he insisted.

“You sure?”

“Of course! I’m proud of them, but I still don’t want everyone knowing I wrote them. I’ve done the same with my other novels.”

“But you don’t hide those in a bag when you deliver them.”

“They aren’t weird for a full-grown man to have!”

He sighed, “Alright. When is this next draft due?”

“Two weeks and three days.”

“Alright… And you said you have nothing yet?”

“I threw away all the scenes I tried to write by hand,” he admitted. 

“This may be beyond what I can help you with.”

“This is beyond anybody at this point,” he sighed, “Go ahead and read ‘em if you want. I brought my notebook to try and get something down.”

They spent the day in the living room writing and reading. His father had a myriad of questions but kept reading until Kurogane had given up on writing.

“So, Kazahaya lost his sister at a young age?”

“Yes, he never really got to mourn her death, though.”

He hummed in thought.

“What?”

“Ah… Perhaps I should just ask. Who is Kazahaya based off of? I know Rikuo is you, but I don’t think any of your friends lost a sister.”

Kurogane was startled. He hadn’t expected his father to catch that, mainly because it was from Fai’s point of view. He debated on how to answer and settled for, “He’s based on a dream I had. I kinda just pieced it together as I went.”

His father shook his head, “Is that why your stories always have a dead or missing sibling? I always assumed… well. I assumed it was for your mother.”

Kurogane did have the dead sibling schtick, but it was never about his mother, “Yeah, that’s why. This story is closest to the dream.”

He didn’t want to go deeper into it with his father. Kurogane sighed and started to pack up his notebook, “I’m going home. Let me know if you come up with anything.”

His father looked out the window, “It’s late. You can stay the night here.” 

Kurogane didn’t know how to respond. He wanted to be alone while he slept, still holding out hope Fai would come back, “Nah, I’ll be fine.”

“Okay,” his father sighed, “Be careful on your way home.”

~~~

Fai found himself in many strange situations. He remembered falling asleep in class and banging his head against the desk when it slipped from his hand. He remembered stuttering on the morning broadcast back in middle school. He remembered falling on his ass his first week working at the club, sloshing beer over his uniform.

Finding himself sitting suspiciously in front of an office building in the middle of Tokyo was by far the most embarrassing. 

He was studying Japanese to waste time as he staked out the building. The hope was to see Kurogane quickly and not have to spend more than a week in Japan before going back to work. Having been there for four days already, Fai was beginning to see how foolish that thought was. 

His hotel bill wasn’t bad. Caldina had found him a capsule hotel to live out of, but it wasn’t going to be anything long term. He was considering getting a job and finding a place to stay in the meantime. He wondered how it would take to get a work visa.

The door opened once again and Fai perked up. It was a tall woman with extremely long hair. She was yelling at her phone and hung it up as she stormed away. An editor? He had seen a few editors leave in similar tizzies already. He wondered how difficult it was to deal with authors. He hoped his author was better than the rest.

It was a stupid thought, he knew. There didn’t need to be a difference between his habits and others. It was just pride speaking. Fai wanted his Dream Boy to be the best, revered for the dreams Fai provided. He wanted Kurogane to rely on him as much as he relied on Kurogane.

Fai rolled his eyes and checked his watch. It was getting late, nearly time for dinner, and he needed to find a place to eat. There were plenty of restaurants in the area. It helped Fai pick different places each meal so he didn’t draw suspicion to himself. 

Today’s choice was a ramen bar several blocks away. The broth was warm and the atmosphere was calming. Still, he tapped his fingers and tried to eat quickly. Every second away from Marukawa was a second he could miss Kurogane.

Fai paid and reminded himself not to leave a tip. After a quick thank you, he found a seat slightly farther from Marukawa to study and… spy. It felt wrong, but he had no other choice. He knew nothing else about ‘Mokona.’

He pulled out his phone and tried to find even a shred of new information.

~~~

Yuuko had called him in a frenzy. Kurogane hadn’t told her anything about his progress, but he at least had some ideas on paper. He decided to pick up the phone only to get chewed out for ignoring her.

“You do understand that we have a deadline to meet, right?”

“I understand I’m not late for that deadline.”

She huffed, “You said you had nothing down, has that miraculously changed to a mostly finished draft?”

“I have something written,” he grumbled.

“Okay, what is going on with you? There is clearly something holding you back this time around. Are you burnt out?”

Yuuko sounded worried. Kurogane wanted to brush her off and hang up, but he knew her constant pushing and trickery were done in his best interest.

“I’m not burnt out. I’ve been writing other things… but I can’t write the next book in the Mirror series,” he finally said, “I don’t know where to take it or how to end it.”

“You want this next book to be that last?”

“I’m not even sure about that. My cousin said it felt like there should be an ending next, but I don’t know.”

“Okay,” she took a deep breath, “Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m coming over and we’re going to review the books together. Then, we are going to figure out an appropriate ending and I am going to sit over your shoulder until you crank it out, understood?”

Kurogane scowled, “I don’t write well under surveillance!”

“I don’t care,” she said, likely with her signature cold grin, “That’s what’s going to happen. I’m already leaving Marukawa so you better sit tight and answer the door when I get there!”

~~~

Fai hated staking out a building all day. He was in Japan on a supposed vacation and all he was doing was eating food and learning the language. There were sites he could see but straying too far from Marukawa made him edgy. 

That’s how he decided to spend some time in a small café. Tirol was further than he’d like to be, but the sweets on display tempted him beyond all reason.

“Hello, what can I get for you?” a small blonde asked him. The uniform made her look adorable, but he wondered if her hair was bleached or simply a wig.

Fai smiled, “One… F-foundant au Chocolate?” He pointed nervously at the menu, making sure his order got across, “Please.”

She smiled and made a small bow, “One moment, sir!”

Fai had been indecisive on his order the first time she came around, but he saw a group of teenagers come in soon after him. The black haired girl had been raving, he assumed, about the dessert. The girl and boy she had brought were quick to order it too. If it had a local’s recommendation, it couldn’t be bad.

As it turned out, the small chocolate cake was everything he could have hoped for! He hummed as the first bit melted in his mouth and filled it with richness. He had a lava cake like this before, but he knew this one tasted a large margin better.

He took his time eating it, the first time he had slowed anything down since arriving and savored the taste. He left the store in a much better mood. 

Instead of going directly back to Marukawa, he wandered around to get a feel for the city. It was bustling and full of life, but also kinder than New York. People there were more than happy to stay in their own bubbles. In Tokyo, people seemed more aware of the other’s walking the streets.

Fai still sat himself down in a place he could watch the Marukawa building’s entrance and studied. He was able to understand much of the conversation around him and could read the signs. His handwriting was atrocious, but that didn’t matter to him. The only thing that really sucked was his shaky speech. He had to translate what he wanted to say and piece together the grammar as he spoke. It was annoying and he had no one to practice with.

He could reach out to Caldina, but something urged him to find a Japanese person to perfect his accent. He wasn’t sure where to even begin looking for a language partner.

That night, before he went to bed, he tried to find someone to talk to while he was here. To his surprise, there were a large number of people willing to trade language advice. He had a few conversations and found a nice, young woman. 

She was only in high school, but her English was already understandable. Sakura knew a lot of English and it made Fai feel inadequate. Still, they talked late into the night. She really was a good child.

~~~

Kurogane bolted up in his bed.

I am coming!

The words echoed in his body and ran through him. What was that dream? Fai hadn’t shown up in months, and now he’s back to bashing the glass and screaming at him?

Kurogane flopped back on his bed. 

Yuuko had spent the night on his couch, refusing to leave until he had a solid start on the draft. She was a slave driver, but they had managed to put a decent plotline together.

Half of him was pissed she was forcing the matter, the other was pissed he didn’t reach out to her sooner. While he didn’t feel perfect about the story, something was better than nothing. He could turn in anything for the draft and fix it as he went. That was something Yuuko had reminded him several times before he got to writing the first couple pages.

Now, Fai had come to him screaming. Was this new plot line so terrible? What did he mean he was coming? Why did Kurogane feel so irritated that he returned now of all times?!

What a ridiculous turn of events.

Kurogane got up and looked at the pages he had written the day before. They were sappy and not at all what he felt Fai would say. The basic plot was that Rikuo was from the past, something he had already decided during the first book, and he was reincarnated to the future. The draft he was working on felt wrong, but it was something at least. 

He sighed and forced himself to fill another page. It was bad and he could feel it. This was going to be a monster of a task and he needed to finish regardless of quality. This may just be the thing that kills him by the end.

~~~

Fai dazed out while his partner spoke on the phone. No one had passed out of the building for a long time. Was it a company wide break? This was strange.

“Fai?”

He popped out of his haze, “Ah, sorry! Something caught my attention!”

She laughed, “I was saying your Japanese has gotten much better over the week. It’s hard to believe you only started learning a few weeks ago.”

“Well, I am in Japan right now. I hear it all the time.”

Sakura gasped, “I thought you were in New York! You didn’t tell me you were here! We could meet in person.”

Fai thought about the offer. Meeting Sakura sounded fun, but the thought of a 21-year-old man meeting a 14-year-old girl was worse than his current stalking, “No, I don’t think that would be a great idea.”

She huffed, “I can bring friends to help you learn. You sound like a wonderful person. My friend Tomoyo even said she wanted to meet you.”

Probably to tell him off. Fai looked down at the book, “Really, I won’t be in town long. Just a couple more days. Maybe next time we’ll be able to see each other!”

“Alright,” she didn’t sound happy, “When do you think you’ll be back?”

She had caught him, “I’m… not sure. This was a long trip, so I won’t have money or time off for a long time to come.”

“I understand. Just make sure to keep up on your studies so you don’t lose the language. Make sure you keep in touch, too! I like talking with you!”

“I will, Princess,” he chuckled, “I don’t want to learn a language to not use it at all. That would just be a waste of both our time.”

They chatted for a long time. This was a daily occurrence now, but normally just for Sakura’s lunch. He had met her new friend Syaoran and heard plenty about Tomoyo during their talks. It was a nice distraction while he waited for a miracle. One miracle that he had all but lost faith in.

~~~

Kurogane wanted to scream. He had spent the week writing nearly nonstop. Yuuko, Tomoyo, and his father all checked in and made sure he ate while he wrote. This was more than he had ever wanted to write in one go.

Still, it was over. He wrote a half-assed book right on time. It was due today, in about an hour. Kurogane stretched out and started to print.

At the noise, Tomoyo burst in the room, “You finished?!”

He nodded slowly, “It sucks.”

“But you finished!” she grinned, “We all knew it wouldn’t be the best.”

He glared half-heartedly, “Thanks for the confidence.”

“Well, I know you’ll make it better. This is only the first draft. Now you have more time to make it right.”

“If Yuuko doesn’t shoot me for turning in this crap,” he groaned.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine. She’s the one who had you write it like this.”

“But I’m the one who couldn’t do better.”

Tomoyo shook her head and gave him a hug, “Stop being so hard on yourself. This was a tough time and you succeeded in something.”

“I succeeded in failure,” Kurogane rolled his eyes, “We better get this over to Marukawa.”

“You’re going to hand deliver it? Don’t you have a fax?”

He shrugged, “I just feel like going there today.”

Kurogane packed up the draft. He was antsy and really felt like he needed to go to the building. It was a strange urge that he couldn’t let go of, “You wanna go with me?”

“Sure,” she smiled, “I haven’t seen Ms. Ichihara in a long time!”

~~~

Fai was almost out of money, excluding what he kept aside to get himself back stateside. His hope of finding Kurogane was dwindling. Maybe he never even stopped by the publishing building. Maybe he lived so far away that they communicated through video chat and emails. Maybe Fai had been crazy after all.

He sighed at the book he was reading. It was the Japanese version of the sixth book. Fai bought them all while he was here and used them to feel closer to Kurogane. 

It was silly. The doubt in his mind created weird scenarios where Mokona wasn’t even Kurogane. Where the misunderstanding led to embarrassment and pain. However, reading his words, as he wrote them, reminded Fai that it was his Dream Boy behind the books. It had to be.

“I love you,” he read the line aloud and felt like crying. He would have to leave this country soon, and Fai didn’t know if he could come back to another failure.

Setting the book aside, he trained his eyes on the doors. The woman editor he saw several times previously left again, two people in tow behind her. The girl behind her was short and laughing. They both seemed to torture a tall man beside them. He looked worn out, but powerful, with his spiked back hair.

Fai shot up, heart thrumming in his ears. He couldn’t be certain from this angle. He told himself to calm down, to get closer. He needed to be sure or else he would make a complete fool of himself.

The editor separated from them and they started off away from where Fai had been perched. He was frozen, watching for any sign that he was right.

He didn’t stealthily get closer to make sure. He didn’t think about his next move.

Fai yelled out his name.

~~~

“Kurogane!”

He turned around, ready to brush off whoever had called him. Any words he might have said died on his lips. His muse stood several feet away, looking angry and relieved all at once.

“Kurogane, who is that?” Tomoyo tugged on his sleeve.

Stunned into silence, he watched Fai storm towards him.

“Kurogane, you are the hardest man to find on this entire planet!” Fai put his hands on his hips and stared up at his dream boy, speaking quieter than before, “I read your damn books, but you don’t even use your own name.”

Kurogane barely processed his words. Even though he could finally understand them, they didn’t seem to matter at all. He was partially convinced he was in another dream and reached out for Fai’s hand.

It connected. His skin was warm from the day’s heat.

“Fai?”

He nodded and looked down at their hands, “You’re real, and I’m real, and we’re here right now.”

“I love you,” Kurogane pulled Fai into a tight hug. He didn’t care how strange it was or how Tomoyo would question him later. Fai was real. He wasn’t some muse Kurogane had made up. His gut had always been right about those dreams.

And now he understood that Fai had been battling with this too.

“You’re warm,” Fai choked out. It was the only indication that he was crying as Kurogane felt a wide smile on his face, “So much sturdier than I imagined.”

“You’re one to talk, idiot. What do you even do to your hair,” Kurogane ran his fingers through the long locks, “It’s softer than my cousin’s.”

“Is that supposed to be a compliment or an insult?” Fai laughed.

“When did you learn Japanese?!” Kurogane realized.

Fai punched his arm, “Well after you learned English, you ass! Couldn’t you have told me you knew what I was saying?”

“Not in the… Uh…”

They both finally looked away from each other and saw a crowd starting to form. Kurogane hardly cared if they made a scene when Fai had approached him, but now he felt the embarrassment heating his cheeks.

“Do they think we’re…”

“Actors, probably,” Kurogane agreed, “Follow me.”

Fai wasn’t given the choice. Their hands stayed locked together as Kurogane led him away from the busy street.

“Kurogane, dear,” Tomoyo caught up quickly, “What is this?”

Kurogane blushed crazily, “My… muse…”

“’Myu-zu?’ What does that mean? I only have a month of speaking this language,” Fai admitted.

“I’m not talking about this in public,” Kurogane growled.

Fai was next to blush, “Where are we heading?”

“To Kurogane’s apartment, I think,” Tomoyo smiled, “Mr. Muse.”

Fai looked between them confused and let himself be whisked away to a high-rise. The building itself was fancier than he was used to. 

Kurogane wasted no time getting into the elevator and some sort of privacy. He got them into his apartment as fast as he could and locked the door behind them.

Fai felt awkward in this house. The insanity of all he had done the past few months came rushing back to him. He could explain himself properly to Kurogane, but the girl who had followed along with them was a whole different story. She wouldn’t understand.

“Kuro-chan, what is myu-zu?”

“Muse,” he said in English before backpedaling, “Chan?! Why that?”

Fai shrugged, “I’m speaking Japanese so I should use Japanese suffixes. Did you refer to me as your muse?”

Tomoyo giggled, “Perhaps we should sit down first?”

They followed her suggestion and found themselves on the couch, Tomoyo politely taking a separate chair.

“So, first off, my name is Tomoyo. I am Kurogane’s cousin.”

Fai smiled, shifting in his seat, “I’m Fai, Kurogane’s muse, apparently.”

Kurogane groaned internally. At the time he started his career, it was easier to think of Fai as fiction. That was something he never imagined would be proven wrong.

“That’s how he described it to me,” Tomoyo confirmed, “I’m curious though, what was he to you?”

Fai blushed furiously, “Um… pass?”

Kurogane cocked his brow, “You can’t pass. What the hell did you think of me?”

“Dream Boy,” he mumbled, “I called you Dream Boy.”

Tomoyo held her hand over her smile to hold back her laughter.

“Please don’t be mad! I was 14 when I tried to tell someone about you! Who the heck comes up with ‘muse’ at 14?!”

Kurogane tried to form the words but decided to just ignore that he had been called Dream Boy for seven years, “I didn’t. I was 16 when I decided that.”

Fai got comfortable on the couch, “Why?”

He glanced at Tomoyo before responding, “That’s when I started writing my first book. I… used your past to fill in some blanks.”

“First book? At 16?! You started writing those at 16?”

“’Those?’ You mean the Mirror series? You really read that?” Kurogane felt extremely self-conscious suddenly.

“Well, yes. How else would I find you? Those were word for word at the end,” Fai said, “I couldn’t just ignore the similarities.”

“Great,” he groaned, “I wrote those starting two years ago under a pen name. My other books are under my real name.”

Fai looked over to his bookcase and saw plenty with ‘Youou Suwa’ as the author, “Youou? Is that your name?”

“Yeah, but no one calls me that.”

Fai stood up and went to the shelf holding his books. There were so many of various sizes, some seeming to be from a series. Kurogane turned his obsession into an awarded career. More than that, he turned it into an art.

“Wow, you’ve only been published for what, five years? And you already have this many novels?”

“Four,” Kurogane corrected, “Most of them aren’t that long.”

Fai pulled one out and glanced over the pages, “You have an incredible career. There’s so much I don’t know about you.” He put the book back and saw an old picture of young Kurogane, “Are these your parents?”

Kurogane joined him and nodded, “Yeah, my dad lives in Yamanashi, where I grew up. My mom passed away when I was 15.”

Fai gasped, “I’m so sorry!”

“Thank you, but you already helped me through it. When I told you about it, about a week after she died, I understood what you said for the first time. ‘I’m here.’”

Fai tried to think back but ultimately remembered the scene from the book, “We told each other everything and I couldn’t understand any of it. I want to know everything.”

Kurogane smiled, “There’s a lot I missed about you too. You and your family, and your sister.”

“Sister?” Fai laughed, “That explains a lot, actually. Yui isn’t my sister, he’s my twin brother.” He showed Kurogane the locket hidden under his shirt.

“That’s uncanny,” he said, “Even for twins.”

“Mhm! My mom said even she would get us confused,” he grinned and put the locket away, “They had to take fingerprints after the accident to… well… make sure I was me.” Fai looked over to where Tomoyo had been and saw she had left.

Kurogane followed his gaze, “Yeah, she’s good at knowing when to leave.”

“How old is she?”

“14. She was teaching me to sew at eight, though.”

“Your family is full of talent,” he sighed, “And I’m just a bartender at a gay club.”

“My father just found out I’m gay,” Kurogane admitted, “I only told my mom’s ashes. Tomoyo caught me writing the second book in the Mirror series, or she wouldn’t know, either.”

Fai hesitated, but knew he had to say something, “I never had an issue with that, my parents kinda guessed before I even understood what ‘gay’ was.”

“I figured it out before I met you, but never told anyone. Tomoyo came out before I ever got the balls to do it.”

“She’s a brave girl,” Fai leaned against Kurogane.

“Yeah, she’s great,” he wrapped his arms around Fai and sighed, “I struggled for so many years trying to convince myself you weren’t real.”

Fai snorted, “My parents sent me to therapy to figure out why I was seeing you.”

Kurogane furrowed his brow, “You never mentioned that.”

“No, I didn’t want to. It was hard to admit when I was a kid. Even now, I don’t like telling people I’m broken.”

“Having weird dreams doesn’t make you broken.”

Fai smiled and pulled away, “I have… uh…” he switched to English, “Panic Disorder? Do you understand?”

Kurogane shook his head and pulled out his phone. He switched to English easily, “Type it.”

Fai searched the translation and showed it.

Kurogane didn’t know how to respond. He suddenly understood how his father could not understand him but still accept him. What should he say to such a confession?

“Kuro?” Fai sounded concerned.

“Shit,” he cursed, “Sorry. I didn’t want to freak you out. I just don’t know what to tell you. I don’t really care either way, but do you need help?”

Fai grinned, “No, I have medicine I take. It does make me forget things, though.”

“Like?”

“Nothing much, just short-term stuff. I forget when I take them sometimes, or the time I should be at work. I keep reminders in my phone to help.”

Kurogane nodded, “I thought I was crazy, and you were told you were.”

“They said you were a coping mechanism to deal with my brother’s death, but I always knew that was wrong.”

Kurogane dipped down and kissed him chastely. He cupped Fai’s cheek, “I’ve wanted to do that for years.”

“Just an innocent kiss?” Fai teased, “Then again I just wanted to hug you.”

He rolled his eyes, “Really? Just that?”

Fai nodded, “I couldn’t touch you, so that’s all I wanted to do.”

Kurogane dropped the subject for another, questions were forming faster than he could ask them, “How did you find me.”

He looked away, “I, uh… flew to Japan a month or so ago. I spent every day watching the Marukawa building.”

That surprised him, but not as much as he thought, “So, you tried to stalk me?”

“It was a stake out!” Fai defended, “I knew nothing except that Mokona worked at Marukawa!”

Kurogane groaned at the name, “I did not pick that name.”

“Well, it hardly matters if you did. I still found you.”

“You are amazing,” he whispered. 

Fai blushed and gave Kurogane another kiss, “Not like you are, mister awarded author!”

“Where are you staying right now?”

“At a capsule hotel. I didn’t bring much luggage.”

Kurogane looked away, “Would you… stay here?”

Fai blushed, “I… Yes, I would!”

Epilogue

Fai hugged Kurogane from behind as he wrote. He had started a new book, meaning Fai had to get what he could while Kurogane worked. He nuzzled into his boyfriend’s back and sighed happily.

Kurogane took a second to reach over his shoulder and ruffle Fai’s hair, “You okay?”

“I’m good,” Fai mumbled, “How far are you?”

“Not very,” he grumbled, “I don’t think I’m cut out for Edo Fantasy.”

“Nonsense, just take your time. It’ll come.”

“Easy for you to say, stories come to you easily.”

Fai grinned, “That’s because my therapist told me so many.”

“What?”

“That’s what Ashura did. He would tell me stories when I didn’t feel like talking to him.”

“Is that what therapists are supposed to do?”

“Never mind that,” he laughed, “Just take it one word at a time and let me cuddle you while you do it!”

Kurogane groaned, “Isn’t it your bedtime?”

“I work nights, Kuro-baby. My sleep schedule is fucked,” Fai joked, “Do you not want me here?”

“I don’t want you to turn into an octopus.”

“Good thing that’s not possible!” he laughed and snuggled tighter as Kurogane wrote.

Fai had been forced to leave almost immediately after they met. It was the hardest thing Fai had ever done, but he had to go home or break immigration laws. So, he returned to New York with the sole goal of getting a work visa.

It took less time than he thought, and after some quick packing and a visit from his parents, Fai was back in Japan. Only this time, Kurogane was waiting at the airport to take him home.

Kurogane had been in the middle of editing two novels when he returned, one of which being the last Mirror book inspired by Fai’s search for him. The plot was simple, Kazahaya finds a way through the mirror and has to learn to survive in ancient Japan. He learns the language with the help of a young girl and eventually finds Rikuo as he’s leaving his family store.

Kazahaya calls out to Rikuo and they live happily ever after.

Fai read it and loved every second of the draft. It was nice to see the culmination of their seven years of pining. It was also what he hoped was a head for him and Kurogane.

Fai started to look for a job of his own when he returned. The search mixed with Kurogane’s busy schedule made them barely see each other. It was difficult, but necessary.

Fai found work a few weeks into living full time with Kurogane. He didn’t have a career plan, so he looked for a job he was used to. The gay clubs in Japan were extremely different from Clover in New York. It was almost dizzying.

Still, Fai had a cute enough face to get a job in a mix-bar, a place were gay and straight patrons could come and be entertained by the cross-dressing bartender. It was strange at first, but Fai soon loved the comfortable dresses he wore. They fit him nicely and even tempted Kurogane with how they shaped his body. 

With his weird schedule, and Kurogane never stopping work, they had to plan around each other like crazy. One night, Kurogane came home with a white board calendar and insisted they write their schedules and find time to date at least once a week.

Fai knew Kurogane wasn’t that needy, so he was sure Kurogane simply noticed how lonely Fai had been. He cried as he filled out his work schedule, his boyfriend rubbing his back the whole way. Looking at Kurogane’s schedule until his deadline, Fai understood how little time he gave himself.

“Is this normal for you?”

“Yeah,” he shrugged, “I’m used to spending most days at my desk alone.”

Fai nodded slowly and hugged him, “You work too hard.”

He snorted, “I don’t even work in heels.”

Fai laughed and pushed him away, “Speaking of, I have to go to work. See you at… breakfast?”

“Breakfast,” Kurogane agreed.

And so, they continued, schedules near opposite each other. 

Somehow, they managed to have dinner with Kurogane’s family several times a month. Fai loved his cousins, and Tomoyo made some of the cutest outfits he wore to work. They accepted him right away.

Soon after he discovered who Sakura was and how close he had been to Kurogane through her. She was a darling girl. It took all of two minutes to see the relationship between Tomoyo, Syaoran, and Sakura. He felt bad for Tomoyo, but she assured him it was fine. All she wanted was Sakura’s happiness.

Kurogane’s father had been another story. Things were awkward at best. Kurogane hadn’t been kidding when he said he had just come out. It was like a whirlwind for his father. A couple weeks after he found out his son was gay there was a foreign kid who he loved entirely. There was no good explanation for that.

Now, the two were in Fai’s old room in Anchorage. It had been difficult to schedule time for both of them to take the trip, but Kurogane wanted to meet his parents. 

The bed they shared here was too small, and the desk was still messy from all the knickknacks he had left. Fai quickly cleaned them off the desk for him to work on, but he preferred to sit on the floor anyway.

Kurogane set up his laptop on the bed and sat in front of it to write. Fai tried to leave him alone and catch up with his parents, but soon he was back to annoy Kurogane. He had pushed his desk chair out of the way and had cuddled up like he did at home.

“Did you like dinner?”

“Nn,” he mumbled and erased a paragraph, “Your mom’s a good cook. Weird food, though.”

“You can’t tell me that was weirder than octopus sushi,” Fai laughed.

“Octopus sushi isn’t weird to me.”

“And reindeer isn’t weird to me.”

Kurogane rolled his eyes and closed the laptop, “Think your parents like me?”

Fai nodded, “I’m sure they do. My dad’s not good at hiding his feelings.”

“And your mom?”

“She told me flat out you were nice! I think they’re impressed with your English skills.”

“Most people are,” he sighed, “What are our plans for tomorrow?”

“Who knows,” Fai peeled himself away from Kurogane’s back, “My parents planned most everything when I told them we were coming. I imagine we’re ice-skating and eating a lot of food.”

Kurogane rolled his neck and crawled in the bed, “It’s going to be tiring, then.”

Fai drew the blackout curtains and practically flopped on top of Kurogane, “Yup! We can always find a sauna if it gets too much for you.”

“Shut up, I’ll be fine.”

“You sure, old man? You sound cranky already.”

“Good night,” Kurogane ended the conversation.

“Good night, Kuro-sweetie.”

The river connects  
Glass broken beyond repair  
Two smiles lingering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! If you would like to vote please go to: https://forms.gle/FLNVYFdMuLfraGkKA
> 
> Please also read all the other lovely fics at: https://kurofai.dreamwidth.org/


End file.
